June 16, 2014

And then he winked...

So here's the thing.  Time caught up with me this Father's Day.  Dad passed 1 1/2 years ago.  Seems like yesterday.  Seems like an eternity. Depends on the day.  Yesterday?  It seemed like both, if that is possible.  Maybe the " newness" of his passing finally wore off.  Maybe the "finality" of his absence finally set in.  Which morphed me right back to the circumstances of his being taken from us.  Everything that transpired that last year.  Everything he endured.  Everything we witnessed. Truth?  It really pissed me off.  It really made me sad.  You THINK that death is the ultimate finality. Truth? It's just the beginning of moving forward with a hole.  You accept it.  But there is still a hole you need to learn to navigate your life around.



"And Then He Winked"
Rockledge, Pennsylvania


As is typical of Alzheimer's, I lost my dad a long time before he physically left us.  Conversations were one-sided and frustrating.  Exercises in futility.  I just kept reminding myself that I was spending time with dad, and that's what matters. That deep down inside that diseased brain of his, he knew who I was and he loved me.  My saving grace was a couple weeks before he passed, dad did find a way to manage to speak to me.  He came to me in a dream.  He told me everything he needed to say to me.  I told him everything I needed to say to him.  I woke up smiling. One and a half years later...I have yet to dream of him again.  Yet he is always in my thoughts.

Since dad's passing, I have made a choice to live my life in a way he would be proud.  Truth?  I've always tried to do this.  But I've been more successful once I made a conscious choice to honor dad in this way.  It hasn't always been easy.  I've lost a few I considered friends along the way.  I've realized what dad always told me is true...doing the right thing doesn't mean it's easy, it just means it's the right thing to do.  And that simple statement has opened my eyes to how often people opt to take the easy way out of a situation, rather than choose the sometimes harder action that you know is right.  

One and a half years.  Finality.  It was time for a visit.  So on Father's Day, I went to the cemetery.  I hadn't been there since we laid dad's ashes to rest.  It wasn't easy...but it was the right thing to do.   When I was done crying. When I was done being angry with God and the universe not FOR taking dad, but HOW he took him. When I was done telling dad what I would have told him if he had revisited me in a dream....I looked up from where I was sitting.  Thru the tree branches and the brilliant sunlight.  Dad found a way to give me a wink.  One of those winks he use to give me that indicated "everything is alright kiddo" or...."don't tell mom".  He understood everything I told him, and I understood everything he told me.  But sorry dad, I AM going to tell mom!

Happy Father's Day Pops.  It was most definetly the RIGHT thing to do.




Here's where I "link up" today.

Please join me on Sundays for Song-ography.
This week's song title is Passenger's "Scare Away the Dark"



27 comments:

  1. So sorry it was a hard and sad day. He clearly had such an impact on your life and I hope that his memories continue to live on as blessings in your everyday!

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  2. So hard when we lose our parents, and it is a hole that is never quite filled again, even though they do wink at us occassionally.

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  3. Very touching, sorry about your loss. Alzheimer's is a hard disease to deal with. I have had plenty of experience with it.

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  4. Beautifully written Kathy. I think youade a great step just lately.

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  5. I'm so sorry you lost your dad to Alzheimer's. This is a beautiful post in his honor, and I'm glad you have found ways to feel his presence. The photo is very moving, knowing its meaning to you. I know what you mean when you said that every day there is a hole in your life that you must live around. I still miss my dad every single day, too, and I'm glad I do.

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  6. Wonderful and heartfelt post ~ not easy to lose our loved ones ~ Gorgeous and elegant photo for post for OWT ~ xoxo

    artmusedog and carol (A Creative Harbor)

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  7. My husband lost his father to complications of a fall but Alzheimers had taken his father years before. It has taken his father's brother and two sisters as well. Each time my husband makes an error I have to work hard at not being consumed by fear of his developing this horrible condition. Your post is beautiful. Love the photo.

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  8. What a beautiful and touching post. I'm so lucky to have both of my parents yet, and I can't imagine the horrible grief you've experienced. Blessings to you and your family.

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  9. Touching father's day post and a beautiful shot.

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  10. A beautiful post and photo. Alzheimer's is a very difficult thing to see in a loved one.

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  11. Nice way to remember your dear father.

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  12. Great shot!! Boom, Bobbi and Gary.

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  13. You were blessed to have a Dad that loved you and taught you well. And he was there when you visited with him even if he seemed far away. The touch of a loved one is never ignored. Your story holds true to any of us who have lost a parent that was such a big part of our lives right to the end. Not everyone is so blessed, so I admire that you recognized what you had and you are spending your life honoring it. That is a truth that is the best guide and it will serve you well. Sorry for your loss ... proud of how you are dealing with it.

    Andrea @ From The Sol

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  14. thanks for this post. It reminded me to day dream about my dad who left too long ago.

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  15. It's been a little over 6 years since I lost my dad. So sudden - so out of the blue - so damned early! I was just finally feeling like I was healing from losing my mom 2 years before and BAM - he's gone from my life too.
    It hurts - it still hurts, but the pain lessens, and the laughter gets louder as I think of him in so many things I do and remember.
    I feel your pain, I know your hurt and I walk along side of you as we find the "new normal" with someone so much a part of our life, gone.
    {{{hugs}}} girlfriend!

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  16. This brought tears to my eyes. I lost my father 6 years ago and it some days it still feels like yesterday. I, too, only dreamed of him once since he has been gone. But I will cherish that dream forever. In it, he came to me and my daughter and blessed her marriage. Hugs for you!

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  17. Your Dad sounds like a remarkable man... this saying "doing the right thing doesn't mean it's easy, it just means it's the right thing to do. " He is so very right about that

    Mollyxxx

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  18. Aww what a sad but sweet story . Hugs

    Saun

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  19. I was thinking about your post while I was working in the garden, no human is all good, on a scale of black to white most people are some shade of grey, so if you remember your Dad so fondly you are very blessed, my father was pretty far down on the grey scale, and he had Parkinson's and couldn't walk or talk the last year of his life. But God is all good, He has no darkness at all, He does not put sickness and disease on anyone, but we live in a polluted world, thanks to mankind and the things they do. But God redeems us from destruction through the work of his Son Jesus, and our healing is when He takes us home, so I can see my father in my mind dancing on the golden streets and that makes me very happy, and that when I see him eventually whatever painful memories I have will be gone as well.

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  20. Kathy, what you've written is so powerful. And the image even more so (and beautiful). I've 'spoken with' you before and you've so kindly emailed in acknowledgement that I'm currently in the middle of all of this. I'm sorry that you had to cry those tears the other day, but i'm pleased that you were given the space to do so. Thank you for this post today - please know that I'm thinking of you, even from this geographical distance. Renee

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  21. I have tears in my eyes...so beautifully written, and such a wonderful tribute to your Dad.

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  22. "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out" has been included in Sites To See #380. Be assured that I hope this helps to point many new visitors in your direction.

    http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2014/06/sites-to-see-380.html

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  23. That was beautiful Kathy! I love the simple but powerful quote - "doing the right thing doesn't mean it's easy, it just means it's the right thing to do."

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  24. I am WAY late on visiting - but what a beautiful tribute to your father, honoring who he was as a person and the vision and direction that only time can provide. My mom visits me more so than my dad in my dreams - he almost never did, but I would get glimpses of him at random moments over the years - each time making me catch my breath and reminding me that even after he left, he is still with me.

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