I'm not exactly sure which word best describes what I'm feeling. Alzheimer's has messed with MY mind as well as my dad's. I am helpless because there is nothing I can personally do to keep my dad from disappearing from me. I am hopeless because there is nothing ANYONE can do to keep my dad from disappearing from me. What can not be cured must be endured I guess. I'm not enduring so well. I'm a perfectionist, I like to control things. I don't handle being "powerless" very well. I get that from my dad..the irony isn't lost on me.
"Give Me Strength"
Barcelona, Spain
(**I saw her, she did not see me. She was silent, yet somehow spoke volumes)
Body and mind should die together. Alzheimer's is particularly cruel to both the inflicted and those who love them. It's dealing with the death of a loved one day, after day, after day, after day until you pray for the final end to come. Helpless? Hopeless? Not sure, but definitely powerless...except to accept. I haven't reached that point yet because I can't accept the fact that I need to watch my father suffer with no end in sight.
I read once somewhere that "blogland" is a happy place. No one seems to have troubles. Everyone is happy. Everyone cooks beautiful dinners and desserts...and posts the gorgeous photos to prove it. Everyone has kids who are smiling and glowing. Life is good. But I'm sad today. I like to visit blogs, AND write on my own, because it IS an escape of sorts. Everyone could use a "happy place" and there is nothing wrong with that. But recently Alzheimer's has been crashing my party, a real buzz-kill. Who invited that guy anyway? He is a downer and overstays his welcome...and he SMELLS too (not really, but I just don't like him so I'm gonna start a rumor).
So for today, I'm feeling a bit helpless, hopeless...and powerless EXCEPT to write about it. I can only imagine what my dad is feeling.
And now? Back to regularly scheduled programming...
--Kathy
linked to: Sarah Halstead's Wordless Wednesday, Wordless Wednesday, Snap It, Live and Love Out Loud Wordless Wednesday, Wordful Wednesdsay
Lost my grandma that way years ago. I was young and {to be honest} a bit detached from it. It was still awful. I'm sorry that you're having to live with this and ... then don't know what to say. Thanks for letting us in to this piece of your heart and your world...sending a gentle hug.
ReplyDeleteA moving post which I can empathise with, having experience of both Alzheimers and Parkinsons with elderly relatives. Take Care and stay strong your dad needs that.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to know what you and your family are going through. I feel helpless because I wish I could help you. I know there is nothing I can do or say to make anything better for you but a good friend recently posted...."Get by with a little help from your friends!" I'm here when you need me! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know the pain of Alzheimer's all too well. I am sorry you are going through that as well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about body and mind dying together - it's incredibly difficult watching loved ones suffer with one of those faculties still intact. I'm genuinely sorry that you're feeling hopeless and helpless and hurting . I think watching people lose their dignity through no fault of their own is really hard to bare and as you say, let alone how the person feels on the inside.
ReplyDeleteOh Kathy, I'm so sorry . . . I feel a bit helpless too as I don't know what else to say but sorry and that just doesn't feel like enough. Much love and hugs! xo
ReplyDeleteWow, Kathy...your arrow went straight to the heart and the mind. I often wonder who said blogland has to be a happy place. It's sure ok to bare your soul and let readers know that life isn't always perfect and still we soldier on.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, my parents never suffered from the insidious Alzheimer's I stood by a friend during times of feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless as her father slipped away. You too will soldier on with grace.
I am sorry - that has to be one of the single worst diseases out there b/c there is no cure. Cancer is terrible & horrid and we all know people who have luckily survived (and some ont so lucky) but at least there is treatment and hope. For Alzheimers there is nothing and I am sorry you're going through this - I can not imagine.
ReplyDeleteI know....
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Kathy. I know that must be painful. Blogland is a happy place depending on who you chose to read. Sometimes though we just have to keep it real - we're all human after all.
ReplyDeleteHope your feeling better soon - that's a tough one.
ReplyDeleteI'm watching my favorite aunt fade into someone I don't know because of this awful disease.
ReplyDeleteI'm leaning on God to help me hold onto my memories of who she was & not who she's turning into.
I don't understand this disease, it's senseless to me too.
I feel your pain & understand your sorrow.
{{{hugs}}}
So sorry for what you're going through. It's such a horrible disease...{{{big hug}}}.
ReplyDeleteKathy blog land is filled with happy places but it's also filled with real life people with real life stuff happening right now that moves us to no end. I hope sharing such deep and meaningful life events with your blogging buddies-helps in some small way even if just to say I care, you and your family are in my living thoughts. I know here are no healing words-but I'm here-we all are here.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear the hurt you are going through.. My heart goes out to you. Wouldn't it be nice if we could get a posse together and kick that stinky guys butt.. Let me know. I'll hope on my horse and I will be there. I have to buy a horse first.. But then I will be there.
ReplyDeleteGreat Big Hugs to you my friend..
Words cannot express how my heart goes out to you, Kathy........... As a nurse I cared for many Alz. patients and learned firsthand at how special each one is. I became Alz. Certified and I hope you will use me as a resource if you think I might be of help. I am good at finding solutions to problems and am always willing to listen. Since I cannot reach out and physically hug you I will send up a prayer for you which I consider a spiritual hug.
ReplyDeleteKathy, I'm so sorry...I wish I had proper words to express the compassion I feel for what you're going through. I'm sending you good thoughts...you're entitled to your sadness and I hope your post has at least released some of your anguish. Sending prayers...
ReplyDeleteI know the pain of losing a loved one to dementia. It is a much crueler death than I ever imagined it would be. I'd like to share a poem I wrote when I was sitting with my beloved grandfather (my earthly father by all accounts) two months before he died. The only advice I have to share is just to live in the moment, like they do. Join them in a story that is new to them, even though it may be old to you, and laugh like you're hearing it for the first time. Love them where they are. That is all.
ReplyDeleteHere's my poem: http://www.beautyredux.com/2011/12/final-awakening.html
May you find blessings in the midst of this hard time,
Nikki
I'm sorry you are feeling down. Alzheimers is a bitch! Watching my sweet mother in law fade into another world was heart breaking. I do believe though, that it's harder on us, I think the people with Alzheimers are in their own little world, and aren't suffering as much as we do. A caretaker once told me, that people who had good lives, went into Alzheimers gracefully, and those that had a hard life, fought the fight until the end. Hoping your dad had a good life, and is happy in his own little world. Cyber hugs to you Kathy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI love the mood you captured in this photo. I love that you share a tough day-I think that it is helpful to do that on a blog, because, life is not all roses and perfection-sometimes things suck. Watching your father slip away sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I've had dear friends deal with this, it is difficult. I think it may help to remind yourself that it's "not him"...my friends were able to find some humor in the non-sensical things that happened. The alternate was to just cry. Likely it's like my therapist oft says to me "balance and perspective". I think that means smiles one day, tears another. Big hugs to you from me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Kathy. I wish I could say something to help, but I know I can't. Thanks for reaching within to shine light on such a personal trial. Saying a prayer for you all.
ReplyDelete