I'm not exactly sure which word best describes what I'm feeling. Alzheimer's has messed with MY mind as well as my dad's. I am helpless because there is nothing I can personally do to keep my dad from disappearing from me. I am hopeless because there is nothing ANYONE can do to keep my dad from disappearing from me. What can not be cured must be endured I guess. I'm not enduring so well. I'm a perfectionist, I like to control things. I don't handle being "powerless" very well. I get that from my dad..the irony isn't lost on me.
"Give Me Strength"
(**I saw her, she did not see me. She was silent, yet somehow spoke volumes)
Body and mind should die together. Alzheimer's is particularly cruel to both the inflicted and those who love them. It's dealing with the death of a loved one day, after day, after day, after day until you pray for the final end to come. Helpless? Hopeless? Not sure, but definitely powerless...except to accept. I haven't reached that point yet because I can't accept the fact that I need to watch my father suffer with no end in sight.
I read once somewhere that "blogland" is a happy place. No one seems to have troubles. Everyone is happy. Everyone cooks beautiful dinners and desserts...and posts the gorgeous photos to prove it. Everyone has kids who are smiling and glowing. Life is good. But I'm sad today. I like to visit blogs, AND write on my own, because it IS an escape of sorts. Everyone could use a "happy place" and there is nothing wrong with that. But recently Alzheimer's has been crashing my party, a real buzz-kill. Who invited that guy anyway? He is a downer and overstays his welcome...and he SMELLS too (not really, but I just don't like him so I'm gonna start a rumor).
So for today, I'm feeling a bit helpless, hopeless...and powerless EXCEPT to write about it. I can only imagine what my dad is feeling.
And now? Back to regularly scheduled programming...
linked to: Sarah Halstead's Wordless Wednesday, Wordless Wednesday, Snap It, Live and Love Out Loud Wordless Wednesday, Wordful Wednesdsay