The heavy on words, week that was...
Sometimes, ya have a week where there is nada of interest happening, except being sick. But reality is sometimes life is just BLAH. I fought a germ and the germ won. Doesn't happen often. I'm not good at it. Basically I'm a freakin' baby when I'm sick. BUT my germs gave me lots of time to think about things, besides what to photograph for Project 52 and playing around with various light and camera settings. That's about all you can do when it hurts to move your head, as long as you don't over do it by thinking too strenuously.
I don't like to weigh my problems and issues against anyone else's, because who wants to win anything because you weigh more? Gotta love any opportunity I get to quote a Negro spiritual, but "nobody knows the trouble I've seen"... and I've certainly not seen yours. So I try hard not to judge. The last 365 days won't make my countdown of top 53+ years. With all that has transpired, the thing that is the least of my serious concerns, is the thing that has caused me the most anger and frustration. Friendships. When the other issues involve family, friends come after them on my "importance-o-meter". More specifically, friendships where I seriously miscalculated their value. I thought higher, they thought lower. In my mind, friendships aren't places where you finagle over the value, or split the difference. I'm not bargain shopping in this department. I'd rather have a couple of true treasures, than a closet full of knock-offs. Not everyone feels the same.
"Forgiving Bat Sh*t Crazy"
July 29 - August 5, 2013
Project 52 (31/52)
Everyone goes thru peaks and valleys. I truly TRY to be there for friends who need support navigating thru their down times. Sometimes I can do more to help than others. But I try. What I never expected, until I was in my own valley, is that not everyone feels the same way. And it hurt. Lives went on, trivial conversations continued, daily complaints about everyday inconveniences never stopped, no inquiries were made, and I grew increasingly hurt and frustrated. And because I'm very far from perfect, I morphed into anger. Eventually, it all came to a head. Words were said, 'tudes were tossed, feelings were hurt, there was even the ultimate diss...the dreaded "unfriendings" on Facebook. And this all went down while I was traversing a deep valley in my life, when friendship should be a true life vest, instead of an anchor. People who I thought would have my back, didn't. And it cut. It's been a few months now, the situation still bothers me. Especially when I'm sick and stuck at home with nothing to do but think and feel sorry for myself.
But I've started to notice there IS a contentment in the absence. Granted, I'm not in a valley anymore so my view is clearer. Yet I'm still hurt, and I'm still angry. My hurt is a result of their actions. But my anger is now directed at moi. I realized I'm obviously not as good of a judge of people as I thought I was. And I truly hate over paying for anything, monetarily or emotionally. I've always kinda prided myself in having these insights, but they totally abandoned me. And that pi$$es me off! So it was ironic that I turned on my computer this popped up on my screen:
not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."
Have you ever truly experienced an Oprah "A-HA!" moment? Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, or you even want to be in a friendship again. It just means you want to let it go, release it to the universe...for your own sense of peace. Truth is I'm tired of being hurt and mad. In this new light I might be able to do this forgiveness thing. They say everyone comes into our lives for a purpose. Maybe it was to teach me people have different definitions of friendship, or that I need to fine tune my character judgements, or to value the few TRUE friends I already have in my life, or that just because I help someone else doesn't mean others will do the same for me....or maybe I need to work on forgiveness, for my own peace. I still had doubts.
The next morning I signed on to the grand Poo-bah of wisdom...others call it Facebook. A friend of mine, truly wise beyond his years and obvious good looks, posted a gem that was a bulls-eye on any remaining doubt I had in accomplishing this forgiveness thing:
"Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness
is realizing the other person is totally bat sh*t crazy."
Oprah "A-HA!" strikes again. There's no fixing stupid, and there certainly is no vaccine for bat sh*t crazy... so how can you NOT forgive someone when they are obviously inflicted? That would make ME a horrible person if I held resentment against people who just can't help themselves. In this light, it sure makes forgiveness bat sh*t easy folks! And truth is, we probably all suffer in varying degrees from the Bat Sh*t Crazies, it's apparently epidemic. I'm totally over it, forgiveness accomplished, it's in the universe, I'm feelin' good. All it took was one week of battling germs, Facebook, and a medical diagnosis to put it into perspective. Forgiveness truly does bring peace, and if you are lucky...a good laugh.
Please join me on Sundays for "Song-ography".
This week's song title is Joni MItchell's "Both Sides Now.