...It's me, Margaret.
Judy Blume (1970)
"Are You There God? It's Moi"
Valley Forge National Park (self portrait)
Week #5: January 28 - February 4, 2013
Project 52 (5/52)
Week #5: January 28 - February 4, 2013
Project 52 (5/52)
Boy did we have a temporary reprieve from winter this past week. It hit 63 degrees, and I awoke to a beautifully foggy morning with a plush blanket of clouds covering the Philly area. Which meant NO WAY was I gonna be housebound. I cracked open windows to let fresh air in, headed out with "James Dean" riding shotgun, no destination in mind. I wound up at Valley Forge National Park to see what the fog would allow us to see, and to breathe in the fresh air. I realized being ensconced in fog gives me a wonderful sense of peace, with the world completely blocked out. A hug from Mother Nature.
But the sun eventually burned off the morning fog. James and I continued to explore and we came upon a chicken coop. An empty chicken coop, or is it a corn crib? Must have been the Revolutionary War equivalent of an IHOP for the Continental Army. George Washington slept ate here. There was something about that abandoned wood structure that caused me to sit down, stay awhile, take in the surroundings. Before long, I was having a long needed talk with God. Are you there God? It's moi. It reminded me of my favorite book from the Woodlawn Elementary School Library..."Are you there God? It's me, Margaret" by Judy Blume. A novel about the adventures of a sixth grade girl who grew up with no religious affiliation and her quest for a single religion. Well, religion AND many other pre-teen girl issues. If you looked on the back cover of my elementary's library issue in 1970-71, you'd see MY name in the library sleeve as checking that book out over, and over, and over again. It obviously resonated with me.
God and I haven't had the easiest of relationships. I wish I could claim otherwise. But he's kind of ticked me off. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I'm not as forgiving as he is. I wish I had more faith. I wish I had more trust. I don't, but I'm working on it. 53 years old and I'm still a work in progress. I haven't talked to God since Dad passed two months ago. I called a truce when I stepped into church on Christmas Eve only because I wanted to be with my family. Let's just say it was a temporary detente in our Cold War. I'm not mad at God for taking dad home. Truth be told, it was a blessing. They say God has a reason for everything. And I guess that is where faith comes in. But I just can't get past his "reason" for the suffering and indignities that were thrown Pop's way. You just don't mess with my loved ones like that and expect me to not hold a grudge. And since I have no one else to aim it at, God is my target. But I've been told he is strong enough to endure my wrath.
God works in mysterious ways. Actually, so do I according to the Better Half. So you'd think we'd get along better. God apparently has a sense of humor too. I mean, I was sitting in a freakin' abandoned chicken coop talking to God! No matter how ticked I might be, I had to appreciate the humor of the situation. You share a laugh with someone, you can't help but create a bond with them. After all, laughter is a form of communication. So right there in that chicken coop, I let God have it. Since he's all-knowing I'm sure I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. And I have faith that he was okay with what he heard because I wasn't struck down by a lightening bolt on the spot. Altho I have to admit I did drive home a bit more carefully that afternoon. I mean, if God could lead me to a chicken coop...he could also lead an errant milk truck into my path too.
Are you there God? It's moi. Still on a quest after all these years. No wonder Judy Blume struck a chord with me. I've just moved beyond the Woodlawn Elementary School library to a chicken coop...or maybe it's a corn crib. Either way, maybe God works in mysterious ways even more than I do. I do have faith in THAT.
--Kathy
linked to: Project 52, Inspire Me, Barn Charm
God works in mysterious ways. Actually, so do I according to the Better Half. So you'd think we'd get along better. God apparently has a sense of humor too. I mean, I was sitting in a freakin' abandoned chicken coop talking to God! No matter how ticked I might be, I had to appreciate the humor of the situation. You share a laugh with someone, you can't help but create a bond with them. After all, laughter is a form of communication. So right there in that chicken coop, I let God have it. Since he's all-knowing I'm sure I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. And I have faith that he was okay with what he heard because I wasn't struck down by a lightening bolt on the spot. Altho I have to admit I did drive home a bit more carefully that afternoon. I mean, if God could lead me to a chicken coop...he could also lead an errant milk truck into my path too.
Are you there God? It's moi. Still on a quest after all these years. No wonder Judy Blume struck a chord with me. I've just moved beyond the Woodlawn Elementary School library to a chicken coop...or maybe it's a corn crib. Either way, maybe God works in mysterious ways even more than I do. I do have faith in THAT.
--Kathy
linked to: Project 52, Inspire Me, Barn Charm
I'm glad you got some time in that coop. I think we can all benefit from a little nature and one on one with God to sort through, reflect, think whatever you want to call it. I'm so sorry about your Pop. I admire the rock solid love and protectiveness you have for your loved ones..that speaks volumes about the kind of person you are! And I think moving from the elementary school library to where you are today is growth...that is what it's all about!
ReplyDeleteI can so relate, Kathy. After my parent's divorced I went on a Gd strike, so to speak. I would pray at school each day (b/c it was expected) but I just went through the motions. I boycotted Saturday services though... Today my relation and quest (great word!) are ever evolving as I find how Gd works in my life and how I work in the greater plan!
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up!
i think we are all in similar situations like yourself ...we go through time we really don't get the whole GOD thing & we are filled with tons of questions - & others we can face whatever he throws at you. i have a book full of questions i can't wait to ask of him. but then i am told we are not meant to have any questions ... get over & be thankful of what you have. but i think we are only human what is wrong with all the questions. we were told as a kid that questions were a good thing. mixed messages for sure. i'm still confused. ha. ha!!wish i had the answers. i hope that GOD has a understanding that we all will mess up, make me sad or angry, but in the end we will continue to have faith & belief in him. i have to have the faith that no matter what he believes in the good in us. that the world - that is filled with evil, sadness & misunderstanding is not of GOD but of us humans. we make this world what it is ... it is up to us to change it & make it better. we have the will or do as we feel fit. hope that makes sense ... i see your post point. i think we are all in the same boat - sort of. ha. ha!! i love that book, need to read it again in my adult life. great shot. please keep the faith & enjoy your week. big big hugs. ( :
ReplyDeleteLove the linear aspect to the composition and you were meant to wear that sweater! We can all use a little chicken coop time, it's good for the soul! :-)
ReplyDeleteWell, I have been in that corn crib...figuratively and literally. Keep talking and remember to listen too. You'll figure it out. My father left this earth and I was glad to see him go. I questioned why I even had him as a father. But funny, I never liked Judy Blume.
ReplyDeletean interesting read for me (from you)!! i do not believe in organized religion and i am not sure what i think about the other.....i guess i don't think about it. sometimes i wish for things to happen, spiritual things and i wonder if i am praying, i don't know. this made me think about myself, thoughts i regress......
ReplyDeletei really love the picture!!
This photo is really great, you sweater goes so well with it. But your words are what got me today. I sure can relate. Sometimes the only to blame is God. And the book, one of my favorites too.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful and honest post...I relate so deeply. I'm wary of organized religions because they're man made, which automatically makes me uneasy. I do believe in God but it's all so hard to fathom...its beyond the scope of my understanding! I remember that Judy Blume book but I think I only read it once...probably because it was always checked out by you...lol. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you had a chat with God, even if it was at a chicken coop - your self-portrait is lovely!
It seems that you had a good day out there with James and yourself! Love your thoughts and the image is nice!
ReplyDeleteA most deep and soul-searching post, Kathy. I love the sweater with matching stripes to the corn crib or chicken coop. It seems like this post was destined to be written. I empathize with you and your struggle to believe in a God who can allow so many horrible things to happen to good people in this world. All I can think is that maybe He is too busy watching over many other worlds He has created that some things slip by Him as things get busier; sort of like Lucy & Ethel in the Candy Factory (for lack of a better analogy). I guess when we get to heaven we can look at Him and say, "You got some splainin' to do." I sure hope He keeps His sense of humor! Although, I do like it HOT................
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ReplyDeleteKeep talking to Him - it's okay, He likes it ..... even when you're angry & questioning Him. The thing is, He doesn't cause the bad to happen - it's the ability we were given to make choices. Did He cause/make Eve eat that fruit? No, He gave her the choice to choose. Bad things don't come because of God, but because of sin & Satan. Satan was an angel, who made the choice to go against God & fight for the throne.......from which God denounced Him & sent Satan packing.
ReplyDeleteIt's having faith - & faith is believing in something we can't see all the time. Like the faith you have in your better half - that he will remain true to you in your life together. The faith you have in your "things", that they will always love you no matter how crazy you can sometimes seem to them or how much you embarass them.
Okay, so now I'll step off my soapbox & tell you that is a corn crib........I slept in one when I was but a 'wee l'tle girl with all my neighboring friends. My big sister had to walk me the half mile home to our house in the morning leading me through the cornfield because my eyes were swollen shut from all the spider bites I got the night before sleeping in that 'ol corn crib.
Yes, I have been really, really, really angry with God over the reasons, why?? And I still haven't figured it out, but I have made peace with it and Him, took me awhile, but I have. Big hug, I know exactly where you have been.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your dad my step dad is going through a hard time now. He has Alzheimer's and can't control his bowels. So sad I do understand how you can be angry at God. It is a hard thing to understand I don't and I do ask God why . Hugs
ReplyDeleteKathy, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your Dad. My Dad died 9 years ago and I still miss him so much! Through the time he was sick and through many ups and downs in my life (divorce, marriage, divorce, remarrying my first husband, to name a few!) -- God is my refuge and strength, a present help in trouble. To me, my faith has made logical sense of everything. I can't not believe. I hope for you a journey of faith that can be genuine and honest and comforting. I think God appreciates honesty more than pretty prayers.
ReplyDeleteYour photo is awesome, with the slats and your striped sweater. Inspired!
Kathy, I love your honesty here. I think being honest with God about your anger and resentment is actually what helps a person get back to intimacy with God. He knows our hurts, and He sorrows over them too, even when He allows it for some reason. It is hard to have faith in those times of feeling that God has not been merciful to us. I just love that He never let's us go, even when we try to pull away. We've all had these moments of wrestling. I'll pray that you find the comfort in this season of pain. I'm really sorry about the loss of your dad.
ReplyDeleteThought provoking post Kathy, and i am sure that God is big enough to "hear" what ever you have to say. I think that many things happen in life that God does not "do " to either us, or to our loved ones. Stuff just happens. All I think that God promises us is that he will walk with us through whatever happens, if we ask him to. Keep on looking.... We always find what we look for, if we are sincerely looking. Many things in life, we just don't get a cut and dried answer for "why", maybe we find out later, and it will all make sense. Hard thing though to watch the people we love suffer. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteoh and I also read that same book lots of times, and gave it to my daughters too!
ReplyDeleteWell, it's Monday, so that means I'm late again....so many thoughts here. Loss and pain are never easy, even when it doesn't involve losing someone. And when it does it puts our faith to the test like no other. And honestly, after my step dad died suddenly and without warning in a meeting room over a desk, after my mom and he had only been together for just under 10 years I felt a little the same way. Why, why someone so good and loving so young, why after my mom had been alone for so many years and then found love again, why, why, why? There are some things in life we will never understand, or know the answers to - I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be able to wrap our brains around it. But the one thing I do know without a doubt, is that God does not cause suffering. He gave us all free will, but we live in a fallen world, a sinful and temporary world that is filled with pain. He didn't promise an easy life, just a safe passage. And this I also know...he never gives up on us and that has been at times the only thing that has kept me going in tough times. Just keep talking to him, he is listening... xo
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes there is death without actual physical loss, and that has proven more difficult for me than anything.
ReplyDeleteI simply love this post Kathy - for a couple of reasons. I've emailed you separately. Thanks, Renee
ReplyDeleteI read that book. And I didn't remember all that much about it other than when she got her period it was not as I thought it would be when I got mine. Love the self-portrait and the look inside of Kathy.
ReplyDeleteI never read that book. But it sounds like a good one.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally okay with my beliefs. Yet I respect those that have those that differ from me.
Each has to find what makes sense and works.
Love the image. Have a great Tuesday my friend.
Great self portrait and personal thoughts in your blog to go with it. I think we can all relate on some level.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story! Go Kathy! I have my way of dealing with death and dying - I try to equate it with birth and birthing - it happens in so many different ways - why? Is it just a process the human body must go through to get to the other side (whichever side that is) or is there more to it? Who knows. So much of religion sez it's through pain that we grow, but I don't believe pain is necessary, so I would probably be railing at God just like you are if one of my loved one suffered a lot before dying. But, God is good and God is great - so keep asking Him for the answers. Peace~
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