"Christmas Blur"
Home Sweet Home
Christmas is a blur, both literally and figuratively for moi this year. Okay, okay, okay...you all KNEW I could only stay away for soooo long, didn't ya? Truth be told, I was completely blown away by all the love, support and encouragement I received after the passing of my dad. And no matter HOW far behind schedule I am (and believe me, I don't even qualify as 'fashionably late' this holiday season), I couldn't let Christmas pass without stopping for a moment to say a very sincere thank you.
I'm actuuuuually kinda feeling a resounding "OK". Which is a heck of a lot better than I thought I'd be. Don't get me wrong, God and I have mucho gabbing to do with each other. We aren't on the best terms at the moment. But I'm....."OK". I realize my blogging this past year, in part addressing what was happening with my dad, has really been quite cathartic. I was quite surprised at my dad's memorial how many told me they had been following along and could relate to my thoughts and words. Blogging made me realize I wasn't as alone in this journey as I thought I was. When the blur morphs into a more focused picture, I plan on compiling my photos and writings on Pops into a book for my Things, to help them remember the journey...both the good and the bad.
And yes, there was some "good". What could possibly have been GOOD about Alzheimer's? In some ways, it was a gift. The "long goodbye" is usually meant for the sufferer. However, what is also true is that it equally pertained to moi. What a gift it was to have both the time AND the opportunity to tell my dad everything I WANTED to say to him. And I DO believe that inside that confused brain, he understood. What he meant to me, how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him AND his multitude of life lessons. That he truly mattered. Not just to me, but to so many.
And then I had the gift of being able to help take care of him. It was only fair, as he had taken care of me for so many years. Probably waaaaaay longer than an adult daughter SHOULD have been "taken care" of by her dad. And when he was finished with us taking care of him, he gave us the gift of saying goodbye to him. Not every child has that gift. My dad didn't with his father. It is precious. In the end, Pops made sure life was fair to us...and so was death.
And finally, Alzheimer's gifted me with a perfect living example of what a marriage should be. Love, devotion, dedication, care, strength, support and doing what is right. I thank both my Pops and Madre' for that one. 54 years of marriage. Through sickness and health. Til death do they part. They were an inspiration. They were a gift.
So aside from not starting my Christmas shopping until this week, not having baked ONE single Christmas cookie, not nestled in for my annual "Love Actually" viewing, and feeling as if I should settle down for a long winter's nap....I'm doing downright "OK". Because despite the blur of this Christmas, I am so incredibly blessed.
"My Guardian Angel"
AND....I now have my own personal guardian angel looking over me. And THAT my friends, brings me an incredible sense of peace and comfort. My focus isn't so blurred as to not recognize that little factoid. So remember, whenever you hear a bell ring this Christmas season...
...an angel gets his wings. And in THIS case, it might be my Pops. And knowing dad, those wings will be properly aligned, symmetrical to a "T", and fluffed to perfection. Because that's how he rolls.
Thank you to all. Love and Peace,
--Kathy
I am truly glad to see you back at it, in your winsome style that I love.
ReplyDeleteYou have been in my thoughts & prayers many a day since your last post. I thought of emailing you, but wanted to respect your privacy & the need for time to grieve. I totally understand, as I've lost both my parents, the grieving process doesn't just pass in a week or two. The "blur" you are feeling - or "fog" as I referred to it as, will lift in the months to come. God & I had quite a few heated discussions - my old washing machine had the dent to prove it from when I kicked it the day after my dad died while talking with God. But as my pastor told me, as long as you're still talking to Him - He doesn't care how, just keep talking to Him.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to see you back & send you many {{{hugs}}} and pray you will find happiness through this holiday season - that you will carry your dad's spirit with you as you remember Christmas' past.
Take care my friend!!!
Welcome back Kathy, I missed ya! Beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteWonderful to read the positives as well. I lost my dad in 2010 to Parkinson's and dementia, he had a long and brutal struggle which lasted many years, the last 5 in nursing care. Your dad would want you to move forward, living the life you have.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see that you are back and doing ok. It is really a hard thing to lose a parent even if it is for "the best". And such a difficult transition seeing your parent turn into your child in such a role reversal as Alzheimers. So glad though that you have been seeing the blessings and gifts that were offered, and know your presence made such a difference for your dad, and I think that you are right that he probably understood more than your realized. Blessings to you, and hope that you have peace and love during this Christmas holiday!
ReplyDeleteWarmest thoughts and wishes are with you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and happy to know you are moving on in the grief process. Recognizing the good that comes with the bad. You were truly blessed with a wonderful father! I have heard a few bells recently and know he's an Angel up above now!
ReplyDeleteWhat beautiful words...what a lovely tribute to the man that was your father. Sending you continued good thoughts and prayers, Kathy. Yes, I genuinely believe you now have a guardian angel.
ReplyDeleteSo touching and beautiful, Kathy! Have a peaceful holiday filled with love and warmth!
ReplyDeleteOh, Kathy, you don't know how much your blog has meant to me this year. I don't have any parents suffering through this, but have friends who are--one with both parents suffering, one in the early stages and one in the late stages. I don't understand, but empathize and lift you and your family up in my prayers. God never fills the emptiness left by a loss, He simply holds your hand and says, "I understand, my child." And He does. God bless.
ReplyDeleteBear With Me...first time visitor stopping by from Cool Clicks....great blog♫ HappyMerryChristmasHoliday♥
ReplyDeleteLovely post.
ReplyDeleteBless you. The healing is on-going and certainly helped with love and support by those around you. May you have a peaceful holiday!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. I recently quit my teaching job but as a professor of psychology I always showed the documentary "The Forgetting" which showcases the journey of several families experiencing Alzheimers. It is important that people understand how impactful the 'long goodbye' is. I am sorry for your loss but am thankful for all the blessings that you are counting...I lost my Dad last year...and he continues to be my 'guardian angel'. I just loved your post. Thank you so much for participating in Cool Clicks Thursday!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your dad... Alzheimer is tough on the person and its entire family.
ReplyDeleteand don't worry I have not baked a single cookie as well :)
So glad you're doing ok Kathy, losing a parent is the most world-altering event no matter what you're age is. When I lost my Mum six years ago the one thing I couldn't get out of my head was 'I'm an orphan'! And I was 42 at the time! I love the thought of your Dad being your guardian angel, and what a lovely image to go with that. Have a peaceful Christmas x
ReplyDeleteReally pleased to hear that you are travelling ok- your last photo radiates a beautiful sense of peace. I only got to watch half of 'love actually' this year , I have do many favourite bits/scenes from that movie but my favourite of all is when emma(can't think of her last name) is upstairs making the bed and trying to pull herself together , I really think it's the most authentic acting/real life scenario I've seen in terms of someone expressing an emotion without any lines to say. I hope you get enough 'ok' moments tomorrow to tide you through a blessed, happy but also possibly at times an emotional day. Merry Christmas, Kathy. Renee.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a chance to comment since you turned off the comments on your dad's post... so I am really sorry to hear about what you're going through. We all come to terms or make good with things that go on in our lives whether they are good or bad, sad or happy. I can't imagine what you are going through - my thoughts are with you and your family! :) xoxo Skye
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